*Sensitive History

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BenRGamer
Posts: 313
Joined: 23 Jan 2009, 12:52

*Sensitive History

Post by BenRGamer » 01 Jul 2017, 19:08

[CHAT] Greyfur sighed shaking her head "by the light, he is the same as ever" she muttered suppressing a laugh as much as she could "he can think of nothing but food, i suppose i can go hunting, while the namekian gathers herbs" she turned to hide a smile knowing crescendo would be fine "you want anything while im out hunting?" she asked gojo smileing

[CHAT] Gojo says "Well then that settles it. A meal it is. Let me do the hunting, if you would." Gojo darts back into the treeline and swings from tree to tree, streching his arms as he goes. Rushing back into his hut he shrugs on his armor and blaster, and then promptly aims and fires at a collection of hens outside his hut pecking at berries he scattered about. He tosses them in a sack and slings it over his shoulder. He trudges through the woods checking a trap he set made of two logs, where an elk lay, skull crushed by the weight of his trap. He carves off a flank from the rotting carcass and tosses it in the sack along with the chickens and trudges back through the woods towards the swamp where the wounded 'beast' lie.

[CHAT] Crescendo looks up to Greyfur with mild annoyance. It hadn't eaten in days--ever since that Gilder had caught it the first time. It was -starving-. Still, there was less surprise than it was expecting at actually speaking out to them. "Thanks for your help," it speaks out, in a more feminine voice this time--it generally speaks in a different voice every time they talk. Odd, that. "Really. I... wouldn't have made it," it shook its head slowly. "Now, too," it looks back down to the ground, looking... a little frustrated. It had to be better than that. Not be caught. It then looks up, almost drooling. It could smell food. Meat. It was -starving-.

[CHAT] Gojo returns from the treeline, in a near-sprint, burlap sack slung over his shoulder. Darting up to the trio he comes to an abrupt stop, almost falling over himself in an effort to help. "Sorry I didn't give you much choice." He says to Greyfur, semi patronizing, with a wink. He opens the sack and splays its contents out onto the ground where Crescendo lay. "Chow down buddy. I'm willing to bet you'rehungry. Sorry I didn't get here sooner." he says. The contents of the bag resting on the ground where Crescendo lay, Gojo takes a step back. Smiling, a solemn, but content smile.

[CHAT] Crescendo doesn't look at or speak to Gojo as he approaches, or Greyfur, or in fact at anything other than the sack of food--indeed it's practically drooling and has a tongue lolling out of its mouth at the smell alone. The second its within reach it practically pounces, lunging at the food despite a small wince and just going to town as best it could while nursing on its injured limb--flat out devouring everything it could get its paws on. It... probably was going to be busy for awhile.

[CHAT] Greyfur smiled slightly as she took to her feet "i think i shall hunt for something for myself" she said motioning to crescendo "looks like he is hungrier than us both combined" she leaped over gojo as she headed into the wildlands, to hunt for a vole or two, maybe a rabbit she didnt know yet what she wanted "into the greatest shadows my memories take me, it is best i forget them, i want not the pain they bring" she muttered catching a vole as she spoke "i guess ill just eat this, i do not want to hunt the forrest clean in any way, that newcommer overhunts himself as it is" she growled burying the remains of the elk or deer gojo had left behind "light guide ye to the forrest's end, and may ye see eternal peace" she muttered picking up her vole again before heading off to eat with crescendo and the newcommer whom she trusted not

[CHAT] Gojo Gojo's head swings wildly as Greyfur jumps over him, a swiftness he couldn't match, and barely comprehend. He waited for Crescendo to complete his meal, knowing it had been some time by the state of his injury. "So. What happened. Please, tell me about it. I think I've met your kind before... It's gotta be tough, controlling that hunger with those injuries." Gojo takes another step back, crossing his arms and peering intently at the creature, not completely sure the meal would do the trick. But judging by his appetite, surely it wouldn't hurt.

[CHAT] Crescendo -- It takes a few minutes, but it finally finishes the food, licking its chops for a moment--the meal was good. But it lacked... substance. There was no knowledge to be gained, experiences to be had. It made the whole thing feel... empty. Nevertheless, it had been starving. It finally looks up, "...Huh?" it speaks out, the namekian finally getting its attention. On realizing just what was asked, though, it blinks, looking surprised and backs up a little, slowly, hard to do with an injured limb. Worry and apprenhension were becoming apparent. 'met your kind before?' There was really onle 'one' of its kind in particular. The only thing others could be... well. It wasn't going back. "...what do you know?"

[CHAT] Greyfur heard crescendo's worried voice muffling through the trees "light eternal, flames guided" she gasped worrying about her friend "i knew i shouldnt have left him alone with crescendo" she snarled picking up her pace and finally leaping over gojo's head again landing akwardly with the vole in her teeth "back off, or your life is forfeit" she said darkly taking the vole from her mouth

[CHAT] Gojo jumped up and furrowed his brow at the Greyfur's words, leaping back a ways. Indeed, what DID he know? "Well EXUCSE me, miss... I still didn't catch your name. I'm Gojo." he said, stretching an arm towards Greyfur. "My apologies, but my life's pretty forfeigt already. But if you say so." he shifted his attention back to Crescendo, arm still extended. "Well I know you were hungry, and that you're pretty beat up. That's what I know." Gojo hung his head, dumbfounded "And for that I'm sorry. Wish there was more I could do." Gojo sighed, folding his legs as he sat down beside the creature, still an arms length away.

[CHAT] Crescendo looks down a moment, "They made me... part-wolf and part... them. To be a pet... I'm -not- a pet, I -won't- go back," it speaks out after a moment, growling a little at the end, and still in a defensive stance. "I... ran. From them. I was staying a city," it looks back in the direction of said city, "Hunting... living. Surviving," it spoke lowly, "I was told... just hunt the guilty. Keep to them. The... authorities will leave you alone," it looks back down, "They didn't. One of them... some... EDF officer even ran me over with a car," it noted the tiretracks still on its body.

[CHAT] Greyfur snarled angrily "the light eternal shall punish everyone who will harm you further, i shall be it's weapon, and its form, i told you, i want nobody close to me to come into despair" she said looking over her shoulder to crescendo before turning her attention back to gojo "get lost gojo, i shall take crescendo to my hut, you can come check up on us later, just let him rest before you badger him further about his past" she sighed turning and picking crescendo up carefully "my name is greyfur, and if you run into shakendo again, tell him to follow the light of the eternal flame, dont know if he heard the legends of a flame that never whent out in his life before, but if he had, he would understand" she said leaving in the direction of her hut

[CHAT] Gojo nodded and slumped a bit. It was for the best. "You're right. I'll keep my distance for now. You rest up, alright? And you're not a pet. Remember that." Gojo smirked towards Crescendo as he strolled back into the ferns, waiting until Greyfur's focus shifted to stretch an arm into the treeline to brustle some branches to give the appearance of his departure. He would lay in wait for a sign of action, out of morbid curiousity. Perhaps he would follow. Just out of curiousity.

[CHAT] Crescendo blinks as Greyfur was still so defensive. It wasn't sure what to make of it. It was apprehensive towards the Namekian, though, regarding him as a potential problem--as it would be towards -anyone- who knew anything so sensitive about it. Though the namekian himself hadn't done any aggressive acts. Still, it didn't speak up in the namekian's defense, either. It was actually a little worried--the last time it had seen one of the ones from... back then, it didn't end well. Still, "I, uh..." it speaks up as Greyfur picks it up, "Thanks for the food," it says just before its been carried off, and then looking back to Greyfur, "And thanks for the help,"

[CHAT] Greyfur: -- '"no problem, you are my only friend" Greyfur said moving deftly throughout the trees towards her hut "let me know if you detect anything behind us, i dont want to be followed by anyone, ESPECIALLY by that unknown" her voice sharp as she finished talking still moving uickly and deftly through the tree's "i am sorry if i hurt you in any way during this travel"'

Luke
Posts: 664
Joined: 23 Jan 2009, 00:21

Re: Sensitive History

Post by Luke » 10 Jul 2017, 13:21

This is a good one overall. I'll try to address points I haven't already addressed in a few of the other reviews because it would seem these were all written in about the same point of time.

Gojo: You have some really good descriptions here and you made an effort to try and delve into the personal history of the other characters in the story. That's a strong indicator to me that you'll do fine on the channel and that you should be looking for a way to bring your character into focus. What drives Gojo? What're his goals and how can helping Crescendo and Greyfur help him achieve them?

Greyfur: I've noticed with your writing that the poses and actions you take are very direct. We'll use this post as example:

[CHAT] Greyfur smiled slightly as she took to her feet "i think i shall hunt for something for myself" she said motioning to crescendo "looks like he is hungrier than us both combined" she leaped over gojo as she headed into the wildlands, to hunt for a vole or two, maybe a rabbit she didnt know yet what she wanted "into the greatest shadows my memories take me, it is best i forget them, i want not the pain they bring" she muttered catching a vole as she spoke "i guess ill just eat this, i do not want to hunt the forrest clean in any way, that newcommer overhunts himself as it is" she growled burying the remains of the elk or deer gojo had left behind "light guide ye to the forrest's end, and may ye see eternal peace" she muttered picking up her vole again before heading off to eat with crescendo and the newcommer whom she trusted not

Now I don't want to imply that everything you do should be written in elaborate detail. We often just don't have time for that on chat, but we don't want to convert everything you do into shorthand. In the post above I've highlighted the sections where you hunted a vole to show how there's a large amount of detail being left out here. Compare that to Gojo's post:

[CHAT] Gojo says "Well then that settles it. A meal it is. Let me do the hunting, if you would." Gojo darts back into the treeline and swings from tree to tree, streching his arms as he goes. Rushing back into his hut he shrugs on his armor and blaster, and then promptly aims and fires at a collection of hens outside his hut pecking at berries he scattered about. He tosses them in a sack and slings it over his shoulder. He trudges through the woods checking a trap he set made of two logs, where an elk lay, skull crushed by the weight of his trap. He carves off a flank from the rotting carcass and tosses it in the sack along with the chickens and trudges back through the woods towards the swamp where the wounded 'beast' lie.

The object of roleplaying isn't just to get from point A to point B, we want to try to communicate in a way that adds atmosphere and depth to the story. Try to bolster your descriptions if you can.

Crescendo: Not a lot to say here that I haven't already.

RPP rewarded.

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