*touching the dead

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Posts: 6
Joined: 11 Oct 2016, 23:53

*touching the dead

Post by greyfur » 07 May 2017, 18:51

greyfur decided to train harder than before pushing herself to the limit her body can handle and further as she ends up at deaths door looking over her life choices

Greyfur closed her eyes as a soft breeze washed over her face “i love beautiful days like today, just so peaceful, no one to annoy me not this close to my cabin anywho” she sighed letting the breeze wash over her face a little longer the grass swayed blissfully with the wind as she stood up to attend to her duties “i still have training to do, must never slack for slacking leave your skills dull, and weak” she sighed softly as she walked out to the center of the clearing preparing herself for training (never again will I feel fear, never again shall I have cause for despair, after I kill the dragon that slaughtered my people, then I will be strong enough defend, anyone against anything... never again will I feel HELPLESS)

Greyfur closed her eyes, her face grim as she adopted a fighting stance her saiyajin mentor taught her “may I never have need to ever go all out when I fight for what I believe, for I wish to become strong enough that going all out will be overkill on even king yemma!” she stuck a training dummy nanoseconds after it popped up, the power behind the strike shattered the Quebracho holding the dummy together “damn anither dummy broken, I need to find something harder... maybe wurtzite boron nitride coated diamond dummies” her voice thoughtful as she began her training all over again

greyfur kicked the Quebracho wood that symbolized the head of the last target hard enough that it flew off into the forest (know to my endurance, I shall go fight a bear, that should help me more than the pesky wolves that live near here) she thought as she walked after the wooden head. “shall I feel terror and despair... shall I feel hope and joy?” she mused to herself training her agility as she moved through the forest, “may I understand joy or terror, hope or despair?” she closed her eyes still moving deftly around the area “joy and despair, hope and terror, both cannot live without the other, both cannot survive with each other.” she muttered “one without the other is nothing, and neither truly amounts to anything” she snarled under her breath as she landed from her agility training approximately forty meters from a black bear

greyfur smiled letting out a warcry as she charged at the bear, barely old enough to live on its own scaring it into attacking her “you blood is mine!” she called dodging the fist blow easily before she landed a slap on the bear's butt antagonizing it further “will you hit me?” she taunted dodging the next blow, it continued like that for hours, greyfur dodging and taunting the bear before she dodged right into an attack made by the bear causing her to stumble and then get stomped around “by the light can you annoy me any further?” she laughed punching the bear hard in the gut “get off!” she exclaimed before killing the beast her eyes glazing over as she examined her new wounds (If I can make it to the cabin, I can patch myself up, before I end up bleeding to death) she sighed getting to her feet

greyfur snarled at every step she took for it was more painful then the last finally she collapsed just outside the clearing her cabin rested (is this my fate? Am I to die here?) her mind began to cloud over as her body began to fail her (perhaps I was never meant to avenge my people, perhaps I was meant to die there with the rest of them...) she closed her eyes as the cold clutches of death took her, her life had been full of anger and distrust so she knew that her soul will not end up in heaven, she knew it would end in hell.

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Joined: 22 Jan 2009, 23:17

Re: *touching the dead

Post by Rizion » 30 Jul 2017, 09:14

So there is quite a bit we need to go over in this log so forgive me if this reply gets a bit long winded.

First thing to just get out of the way: the grammatical errors here make it hard to follow. Just the first line isn't capitalized and has no ending punctuation and the following stanza is one massive run on sentence. When people read, we kinda have this inner voice and paragraphs like that makes it feel like the voice is talking in one breath. The reader/audience needs a point to stop and breathe and it also allows you to make one focused statement after another rather than just saying everything at once.

But that kind of idea is also what runs rampant in this log. There is -a lot- that is happening here and a lot of it is with very little context. We get Grey is standing in a field of some sort, but nothing telling us where, or even a general description of the area. Just kinda out in the grass on a windy day near her cabin. The bit with the training dummies is good, but feel free to expand on that. I mean this is where the reds can really pour in if you get a handle on how your character fights, can describe their movements and really elaborate on how they feel, how they move, how things respond getting hit, things like that can really paint a better picture for the reader rather than (it gets struck, breaks, goes flying off). And do note that not everything needs to have such deep descriptions, sometimes what you leave out allows the reader to fill in the blanks and make their own unique scenario.

That leads us into the bit with the bear, which I'll be honest, it took me like 3 readings to get that Grey even moved on from the clearing deeper into the woods then BAM she's fighting a bear, a few hours pass, bear is dead and she's half dead?

All in all, I'd say just kinda slow down. Plan out things like this and elaborate on each idea more. Find a rhythm with your writing and don't rush to get from one point or idea into the next. Allow your character to think how you think because a lot of her dialogue seems to be rather sporadic. Which sporadic CAN work as long as it is made aware that its intentional. It could be a quirk she has and can shape her character personality. So I hope this helps.

rpp rewarded

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