**Setting Sail[Solo]

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Treble
Posts: 2
Joined: 18 Nov 2020, 18:08

**Setting Sail[Solo]

Post by Treble » 20 Nov 2020, 00:48

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'The stones lost their glow as the Captain gathered all the shards and carefully placed them back into the box, before shoving the chest back into the desk. The stones had used all the energy they had accumulated.'

[CHAT] Treble: -- '"Everyone is always looking for somethin'," he said before locking his desk back, "now that I gave ya this gift, will ya be coming aboard the Symphona?"'

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Treble looked up, tears rolled down his cheek, still stunned from the flash of the mirror. His weapon hummed slightly, as he reached up to clear his eyes. '

[CHAT] Treble: -- '"I have some loose ends to tie up in town, but I got a glimpse of it..." he said.'

[CHAT] Treble: -- '"Good..." the captain said, "I've been bored, but with you here...I have a feeling it will be many things, but boring ain't one of them."'

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'The captain extended his hand, as a form of agreement from Treble. They shook hands, and the captain smirked. "Sisters know I forgot my name long ago...but ya can call me Rut."'

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Rut lead the way out of his office, yelling at his crew, "Alright lads we got a new guest on board!", he clapped his hands loudly. "We set sail when the sun breaks the night!"'

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Treble ran off the boat back into Plieades. There wasn't much to this small city on the port, but he called it home. Small shacks lining the sides of the cobblestone road, fish mongers, Bakers, small dineries, yelling at passerbys to buy their goods. The only thing that stood out were the statues in the middle of town of the Seven Sisters of Plieades said to guide the way of sailors back to the port. Treble ran past the statues, and as he smiled, he felt as if the they had guided Rut to their small port town. '

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Passing through town, he came upon his hole in the wall home. The front littered with untended plants, and trash. He opened the door, and ran into his room grabbing a pendant and placed it around his neck. He ran back outside before turning around and looking at the shack, he grabbed the pendant and smiled before rushing back off to the docks. '

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Treble made it back to the boat, Rut turned around and smiled, then turned back to the crew yelling orders. "Get those barrels down below the deck, before I tie you to the tiller!", he made his way to the helm of the boat and beckoned Treble up with him. He pointed out toward the ocean, to a tiny shadow out on the horizon as the sun set.'

[CHAT] Treble: -- '"This is our esteemed guest everyone, treat him as such!", Rut guided him to the room he'd be boarding in. As he lead him down below the deck, he pushed open the door and showed him his sleeping arrangement. It wasn't much, just a small room with a hammock and a desk bolted to wall. He'd seen worse.'

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Rut gestured for Treble to enter the room, "Make yerself comfortable, I've got a crew to manage.",as he closed the door behind him. '

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Treble laid down as the hammock swayed from side to side with the ship. He gripped the pendant around his neck and smiled. He flashed back to the blinding light of the mirror, before closing his eyes and smiling. Before he knew it, it was morning.'

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'When he awoke, he went to leave the room, and when he opened the door Rut was waiting there for him leaninig one foot on the wall. "I need ya to come with me." Treble followed him back to the captains cabin. When they entered there was a huge map of the immediate area laying on the desk. He walked toward the map seeing islands that he didn't even know existed. Rut went and sat back in his chair, "Give me a destination and I will get us there." he said. '

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Treble looked at the captain, confused. "I don't even know where I'm supposed to go, how can you trust me on a whim?" Rut smiled. "The best adventures are decided on a whim...I'm just here for the ride."'

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Treble looked over the map for a few minutes and one island in particular stood out to him. He picked out an island called 'Avra Island', it stood out to him among the all the dots on the map. Rut smiled and nodded, "That's a good one!" then opened the doors of his cabin.'

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Unleashing a slew of profanity upon the crew on the ships crew, "trim those halyards, tie off those lines, you better hope that boom doesn't swing too far!", Treble's head was spinning from how much work it took to sail a ship. He watched as the crew began to jump into place to get the boat ready to move. '

[CHAT] Treble: -- '"I feel kind of awkward just watching the crew work..." he said as he walked up behind Rut. '

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'Rut turned toward Treble and grabbed his hand, before laying a compass on his palm. "you have a very important job, lad." he said before turning back toward the bow of the boat. "You'll be the one to guide us along the way, as long as I'm captain of this ship!" '

[CHAT] Treble: -- 'The ship slowly drifted away from the dock as the sails began to catch the wind, pulling them away from the port. Treble looked back at the town as it began to grow smaller and smaller as if being swallowed by the ocean. The salty mist of the ocean splashed him on the face, refreshing him. He would definitely find what he was looking for on this ship.[end]'

ikenbon
Posts: 738
Joined: 23 Jan 2009, 00:21

Re: **Setting Sail[Solo]

Post by ikenbon » 20 Nov 2020, 10:32

This was another good entry, but a very short one. You took a lot of the advice that I gave last time and put it into practice, and so I hope you felt like my comments were useful. There are some elements of this piece that were done really well, but my very general comment for the whole thing is just that you gave us what I call a 'pilgrim's feast,' which is to say, all the ideas here were good, but there just wasn't a lot of meat on them to savor. It can be very tricky to gauge how much is too much, and how much is too little when it comes to description and detail. You always want a happy, filling medium. You showed us the city (the Plieades), but just for a moment, and you showed us Treble's home, but, again, just for a second; You mention the Goddesses, and the Sisters, but didn't explain them.

These locations and concepts are really good ideas to include and to explore, and even though your adventure is taking you away from them, this is where Treble is from. This is the character's history, and thus a chance to show us who and what Treble is about. When you find yourself struggling to describe a landscape, don't forget the emotional layer that is beneath it all. When Treble returns home for his pendant he could have stopped and analyzed it in detail, showing us what it looks like and why of all his possessions he came back for this one artifact. How did he feel about leaving home, not knowing when he would ever return? Who was he leaving behind in the city? Now you don't necessarily have to know the answers to these questions but little details can't hint towards things to come. Maybe you as the writer don't know why that amulet was the only thing he took, but having him pause and look at it, really look at it, and describing it, showing him holding it fast in his hand and placing it beneath his shirt in a protective, or secretive way, shows us that there is more to that piece of jewelry that we might learn about later. Again, you don't necessarily need to tell the audience straight-out why this thing is important, but you want them to feel like it is, even if it doesn't come up for a long time.

You left the solo off on another good foot, with the teasing of a mysterious island, and Treble becoming the navigator for the ship.

I think the next step for you is to begin fleshing out the crew of the ship. For this, I recommend focusing on somewhere between two, and five distinct characters, and personality types. You want these characters to be diverse, and different from one another, but each of them need to have a common bond with Treble (NPCs are a vehicle for the character's development, not characters of their own). For a perfect example of a really interesting, fleshed out 'pirate crew', I recommend watching the Disney movie "Atlantis: The Lost Empire". At least one of these characters needs to be an 'antagonist' towards Treble. Someone he doesn't get along with, or is openly hostile. Someone who challenges Treble to become a better sailor, and votes against him openly. You don't want your trip on board the Symphona to be 'smooth sailing' or else there's very little reason to focus on the ship. You should also begin introducing your first villain. It's perfectly fine to move completely away from Treble and show us a completely different scene somewhere else where this villain is, and have stories focused on them alone. Be mindful that early villains, while usually vile and cruel, don't have to necessarily be 'threats', they just have to stand for something that is in opposition of Treble's beliefs so that when you encounter them, it leads to conflicts.

A final note: You don't have to write [solo] in the title to alert us to that (it should be fairly obvious), but if you like doing it, feel free.

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